


Trial and Error

by sumomomochi



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Accidental Voyeurism, Alternate Universe - No Sburb/Sgrub Sessions, Humanstuck, M/M, Multi, Polyamory, Polyamory Negotiations, Slice of Life, Threesome - M/M/M, no love triangles here
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-01
Updated: 2016-04-14
Packaged: 2018-05-10 23:22:49
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,689
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5604802
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sumomomochi/pseuds/sumomomochi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You've got it pretty good -- a roof over your head, food in your belly, and your two best bros to share it with. Too bad you're in love with both of them.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> a big thank u to cherrymilkshake and alwaysactually for betaing, and ficinferno, sixsaltysweets, ollivander, carl-jung-lean, asherinn and catnipcantrip for helping with various ideas when i was plotting. ilu all

===>

You’re pretty content with life, if you do say so yourself! 

You’ve got it pretty good; nothing like what you imagined growing up and probably not what your dad had in mind before he died, but you’re happy and that’s all that matters. You’ve got a roof over your head, food in your belly, and your two best friends to share it with!

“You will not fucking believe the shit I had to put up with today,” Karkat bitches as he bursts through the front door, his usual fed up scowl in place. He’s got pizza though, a stack of steaming boxes balanced on one palm while he braces himself against the wall with his other to toe off his shoes.

“Whatever happened, it’s got nothing on having to pick up all of Dave’s dirty laundry,” you shoot back with a crooked grin.

Dave slips his headphones off his ears and dryly retorts, “I resent that. You could have woken me up.”

“I did.”

“With the vacuum, asshole.”

You laugh, “No, I threw a pair of your underwear at your head first!”

Dave sucks in a breath that tells you he’s rolling his eyes, even though his face never moves from how it’s pointed at his monitor. Karkat drops the pizza on the table next to you and breaths an exasperated little laugh. You grin up at him, flipping the top box open for a slice of disgusting, cheesey heaven. You chirp, “So what happened?”

“Some fucking idiot disproved Darwin’s theory of evolution wrong for the nth time, I swear to fucking god,” Karkat grouses, flopping into the chair across from you. He grabs his own slice of pizza and stuffs like, half of it into his mouth before continuing, “I don’t get paid anywhere _near_ enough to put up with this bullshit. How anyone with two fucking braincells to rub together thinks it’s a totally fucking reasonable idea to climb up onto the fucking shelf to use the god damned _display furniture_ to change their crotch spawn’s fetid fucking diaper completely escapes me. How they go on to then drop their child blows me away completely. We had to call the fire department. I am in awe of the general populace's stupidity.”

Dave snorts a gross laugh and drops his cans onto his desk. The way you’re snickering at Karkat’s bitching bubbles over to full out guffaws as you and Karkat watch Dave slowly scoot over, rolling backwards in his computer chair. He bumps into the wall separating your kitchen from your living room slash his bedroom with a deadpan, “Ouch.”

“Your laziness knows no bounds,” Karkat bites flatly.

“It’s a gift,” Dave tells him.

“How blessed by the gods you are.”

“Damn straight,” Dave drawls, situating his chair at the end of the table for optimal pizza access, “Practically freaking Jesus right here, not even gonna lie, turning water into wine and flesh into bread and all that shit.”

You take a playful swipe at your best bro and snicker, “Ew, Dave, no cannibal bread at the dinner table.”

“Can’t help it,” he says with a shrug, “It’s what I do.”

===>

You have jack-all to do this morning once you send off the WIP of your latest commission for approval. Naturally, you decide to go bother Karkat at work. You know he’s on the sales floor today which means you can follow him around for as long as you want. That’s always a good time. It’s also a Tuesday and the back to school rush has been over for weeks now.

You circle the store twice before you find him tucked away in hardlines, scowling at the shelf he’s rearranging. You get to watch as he registers your presence and slaps on his Customer Service face. You also get to watch as he transitions back into his usual adorable surly asshole self.

“Sup.”

He still says, “Can I help you find anything today?” like a good retail peon. 

The first thing you can think of in the section he’s working on is, “Nerf guns.” You swear Karkat has learned telepathy thanks to all the years he’s worked in retail because the “Fuck you” he doesn’t say is nearly audible.

“Right this way,” he says instead.

He trots off and you follow behind him, pushing your cart along at a leisurely pace. Two aisles over, he gestures to the giant Nerf display like he’s marshalling aircraft.

“Taduh.”

You pick up the biggest one there.

“Thanks man, I couldn’t have done it without you.”

You’re always impressed at how well Karkat can hold his tongue while at work. It’s quite a feat. You’ve seen him with other customers and he’s actually _nice_. He gets all the vibe cards. All of them.

“Anything else?”

“Oh man, I’ve got a whole list,” you tell him, trying not to grin.

Karkat rolls his eyes; “Joy.”

You do grin at that. You can’t help it. “Dude, you’ve got diddly-squat to do.”

“Yeah. Wonders of wonders, things have not gone to shit. What’s next?”

You pretend to consult your phone while you think of something. The candy aisle is only a little less than halfway across the store. It’ll have to do.

“Pop rocks.” You don’t even know if Target even carries pop rocks. It’ll be an adventure.

The look Karkat gives you says he’s not amused with your shenanigans but he heads off in the right direction anyway.

The two of you scan the wall of candy twice before he does the Customer Service face again and says, “You know, maybe there’s some in with the Halloween candy.”

He turns on his heel and heads to the seasonal section instead. You follow, a little worried over him playing along.

Low and behold, there’s a huge ass mix bag including pop rocks. It goes into the cart next to the Nerf blaster. Next thing on your imaginary list.

“Now I need a funnel,” you say matter of factly. Karkat side eyes you dubiously so you tell him, “Not for you.”

“In that case, car or kitchen?”

An idea is forming in your head. “Which one’s bigger?”

A devious grin overtakes his face; “I have no clue, but we can find out.”

===>

The two of you ended up getting one of the monstrous packs of darts instead of a whole new gun. Seventy-five darts is better than twelve. You’ve stashed most of them so John doesn’t hoard these too. The rest you’ve used to load your various weapons. You’ve got three set out on the coffee table in front of your couch and another one leaned against the wall next to the front door for Karkat. You will have your revenge.

The door opens and, just like you planned with Karkat, John walks through first. You’ve got a Nerf gun in hand and already aimed when comes around the corner. Your first dart hits him square in the chest.

“Dude!”

Karkat’s first dart hits John point blank, right in the back of the head. He whirls around, laughing, and you get him between the shoulderblades. A full barrage follows. You spray darts like you think you’re Rambo or some shit.

“Dude!!”

Karkat looks downright menacing with his bright orange rifle. He slowly herds John towards where you’re waiting with the rest of your supplies. John laughs the entire way.

“Oh no,” John says sarcastically as you bungie him to the chair. It’s only when Karkat hands you the pop rocks and the funnel that John stops cooperating. He grimaces when he sees the candy; “Oh man, gross, don’t.”

“My revenge will be sweet,” you say, looming over him. Karkat facepalms at your cheese while John can’t help sporfling.

“But Dave!” he giggles, “You looked so good with green hair!”

“Lies and blasphemy. Karkat -- “ you gesture to John. Karkat takes up position behind him just like you planned. You wiggle the funnel; “Open wide.”

John turns his head away, still laughing as he says, “You’re awful!”

Karkat forcibly turns John’s face back towards you.

“Ah,” you go. John replies with a tight lipped, “Mm-mm.”

“Do it or the pop rocks go up your nose.” Good Karkat, best evil henchman.

“You wouldn’t!” John gasps, jaw dropping.

“Do you really want to find out?”

He sighs, “No,” and obediently opens his mouth. You rip off the tops of three packages of pop rocks and dump them all into his mouth. The face he makes is priceless. The candy crackles as he says, “This is so gross.”

“Naw bro. You know what’s gross? Me with puke green hair.”

“Sorry Dave,” he says, not sounding apologetic in the least. You dismiss Karkat like a proper overlord and go to get ready for work.

“Aw, come on, guys. Guys?”

Revenge is indeed sweet.

**=== >**

ectoBiologist  
oh man, dave.  
there’s this new girl and she is unfairly attractive.  
it’s not fair at all how attractive she is, dave.

turntechGodhead  
orly

ectoBiologist  
yarly  
my height, dark curly hair down to her ass, super full lips and like pin up worthy curves.  
and! she apparently wears lipstick every day.  
red lipstick dave.  
girls in red lipstick are my one true weakness :’(

turntechGodhead  
ahahahah

ectoBiologist  
it’s true dave!  
so pretty.  
she works in electronics.  
and wears sweater vests.  
i think she’s a nerd.

turntechGodhead  
dude anybody who wears sweater vests is a nerd  
you wear sweater vests and youre like the king of nerds

ectoBiologist  
thanks :B

turntechGodhead  
np  
turntechGodhead  
so is the new girl in electronics really as hot as john says

carcinoGeneticist  
WITHOUT A FUCKING DOUBT.  
HALF THE SALES FLOOR IS DROOLING OVER HER. IT’S DISGUSTING.

turntechGodhead  
wow impressive

carcinoGeneticist  
SHE’S BEEN HERE THREE DAYS. ALL THREE DAYS SHE’S WORN SKIRTS AND BLOUSES AND FUCKING LIPSTICK.  
IT’S UNFAIR.

turntechGodhead  
john said the same thing

===>

John was right. It’s fucking unfair. She’s up at the front lanes because it’s Sunday after church and everyone and their legion of children are in the store. It might just be worth it.

“Dude,” you say, “She is so obviously a fucking nerd. You guys should make friends and invite her over for like, Mario Kart or something.”

“Yes Dave, because walking up to someone you’ve shared a grand total of two words with and inviting them over is not creepy at all.”

“Of course it’s not creepy, it’s Mario Kart. It’s not like we have dead bodies under the floorboards or anything. We are on the second floor after all.”

John and Karkat both give you dubious looks.

“Well, all the dead things _aren’t_ under the floorboards,” you protest, “They’re just. In jars. On a shelf -- “ Karkat facepalms “ -- This really didn’t work out the way I intended.”

“Gee, you think?”

John giggles, “It’s okay, Dave, we understand what you meant.”

“I could put a sheet over them or something.”

“Because _that_ is somehow less creepy.”

“I donno, Karkat,” John muses sweetly, “Dave does leave his shit basically everywhere. A sheet over his dead stuff could look totally natural.”

You shoot him a dirty look and start emptying the cart onto the conveyer belt. John just grins at you brightly while Karkat shakes his head, presumably at your combined idiocy.

“Hi Aradia,” John chirps as soon as the guest in front of you leaves, “This is our roommate Dave.”

Be cool, be cool -- “Sup.” Who are you kidding, you’re always cool.

She has fucking dimples. Why is everyone in this Target so attractive? It’s unfair.

“Hi,” Aradia chirps back, “Find everything you were looking for?”

John leans against the counter and puts on his boy next door face. Karkat pinches the bridge of his nose and mutters, “Oh my fucking god, no.”

John says, “I have now that I’ve found you.”

Karkat kicks at John’s ankle. John deftly sidesteps it and maintains his bright, goody-goody smile. Aradia, much to your surprise, finger guns at him.

“I’m so fucking sorry,” Karkat says, planting his palm against John’s face to push it away, “Ignore him. He managed to leave his entire brain at home today. Like every other day ever.”

“Rude! Jeeze, Karkat.”

“So who won the flirt off?” Aradia asks. You turn on John.

“You got help? Not cool bro.”

John rolls his eyes; “It’s not like you weren’t totally using the internet.”

You open your mouth to reply but it’s true. You shrug instead. Karkat sighs the sigh of the severely exasperated and gathers the bags. Aradia laughs, dimples full blast, as she hands him the receipt.

===>

You have a fucking list and you’re determined to stick to it. You’re a magnanimous roommate; you can conceed letting Dave get some of his disgusting, gut rotting so-called food. That doesn’t mean you’re going to allow a cart full of junk. He dump something in the cart. You take it out and put it back.

And so it goes.

John pushes the cart with his usual brain dead dopey look of amusement, occasionally picking things off the shelf. You tolerate the Hamburger Helper and the Rice-A-Roni. You suffer through the jarred curry even though you’ve got your grandmother’s masala recipe. You draw the fucking line at two bags of Doritos _and_ a box of Cheezits.

“No. Fuck no. Pick one or the other; we don’t need both.”

“C’mon Karkat,” John, the supplier of Cheezits, whines, “It’s not like we won’t eat them!”

“Oh, I know,” you snark, “Except you’ll eat it _all at once_ and then bitch for the next week that we have no more snacks because, gasp! You already stuffed them all into your greedy maw.”

John does his infuriatingly adorable little _heh heh_ laugh and shrugs while Dave wordlessly drops yet another bag of chips into the cart just to be contrary. These fucking assholes are sure to give you a rage induced aneurysm and you’ll welcome the day it blows because it’ll mean you get away from the combined force of their sheer mind numbing stupidity. You compromise by only removing two chip bags from the cart. They high-five over their successful acquisition of baked cheese crackers.

You have no idea why you continue to put up with these two. Oh wait, yes you do. You’re a pathetic chump who pines for way more than he can have.

===>

ectoBiologist  
so….  
denny’s? :B

carcinoGeneticist  
YES JOHN. AFTER SPENDING EIGHT HOURS ON MY FEET DEALING WITH THE IDIOCY THAT IS THE GENERAL POPULOUS I DEFINITELY WANT TO SPEND ANOTHER TWO HOURS AWAY FROM MY BED.

ectoBiologist  
well it’s either that or pizza rolls for dinner so…

carcinoGeneticist  
*SIGH*

ectoBiologist  
hey i worked all day too!  
and dave wont be off until you are.  
besides it’s been ages since we’ve gone out to eat!

carcinoGeneticist  
FINE.  
BUT YOU’RE PAYING

ectoBiologist  
deal :B

ectoBiologist  
dave is going to meet us at the denny’s when he’s off.

ectoBiologist  
on my way.

ectoBiologist  
outside.

“Sweet mother of fuck,” you say as you yank open the door to John’s car, “I am _ravenous_.”

“Good thing we’re going to get food then, huh?” John gives you one of his derpy boy-next-door grins. You backhand him in the chest over the center console, your heart all aflutter.

John drives like your grandfather. You tap your toes impatiently for the whole five minutes it takes to drive from your Target to the Denny’s while John just smiles vaguely and goes the speed limit. Dave’s shitbox is already in the parking lot. You drag yourself out of the passenger seat and head into the diner while John digs through his trunk for THE BAG.

Dave’s at your usual table, chewing on fries. He’s ordered you and John both drinks -- disgusting decaf for you and a coke for John. You drop into the booth next to him and slurp at your coffee. The Bag makes a loud clatter when John dumps it on the floor next to the table a couple of moments later.

“So what do you guys want to play?” John asks.

You groan, “Fucking really?”

“Sorry man,” Dave says through a mouthful of french fry, “It’s the law of the Denny’s Trips. Can’t have the full shitty diner food experience without one or more children’s card games.”

John nods seriously. You groan and drag your hands down your face.

“Fine. Let’s do this.”

John picks Munchkin. Of course John picks Munchkin. Why wouldn’t he when it has cards like Bi-Sickle, Sword Of Slaying Everything Except Squid, and Thing With A Name So Long There’s No Room For A Picture On The Card?

Right off the bat, John lights the crabs enemy you draw on fire, making them fucking impossible to beat, even if you team up. Dave quips, “Worst STD ever,” as you roll the dice to flee.

“You would know, after all,” John snarks back.

You shake your head. Dave gapes, “Dude.”

John apologizes for his brainlessness sheepishly. Then your food arrives. Dave immediately digs into his disgusting nachos, noisily sucking fake cheese and sour cream off his fingers after every bite. You draw a curse! and precisely nothing happens. John perks up, going, “Oh! Oh!” before he plays another curse on you. You are now the opposite gender. You roll your eyes.

Dave is kind enough to wipe his grubby fingers off onto a napkin before he draws for his turn. It’s a Maul Rat. He conquers it and draws his treasure, and so it goes.

It only takes you another round of turns to get fed up with Dave and his atrocious eating habits, snapping at him, “Chew with your trap closed or I swear I will staple it shut.”

“What, don’t you like seafood?” and then, with the utmost maturity, he sticks his nasty, bolus covered tongue out.

John laughs, “Haha, gross,” and throws a french fry at him, which quickly joins the mastication. You bury your face in your hands and wonder how the ever loving fuck you manage to have a crush on both of these childish idiots.

Then they both smile at you, Dave’s closed lipped and a little shy, John’s wide and movie star perfect.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i promise im still working on this i just got bit by the kylux bug pppp bad orz. heres some porn to make up for the long wait. as always u can follow me on tumblr at sumomomochi.tumblr.com for updates on my writing and the tag for this project there is these fucking assholes

===

“So!” John says as he drops down into one of the dining room chairs, “You’ll never guess what this old lady said to me today.”

You grunt and continue to fry up the chicken for dinner. Dave plays along, asking from the next room, “Something filthy?”

“Nope,” John chirps brightly.

“Asked for lube?”

“Haha, no. I said it wasn’t dirty!”

“Fucking, I dunno, asked for Bengay? That’s an old people thing, right?”

“Told you you couldn’t guess!”

“Fuck you, I’ll figure it out, give me a hint.”

You roll your eyes.

“Naw. How about you, Karkat? Any ideas?”

You don’t even look at him when you say, “I’m not playing twenty fucking questions with you.”

“Aw, you’re no fun!”

“Dude, just tell us.”

“Okay, okay, gosh. This old lady came through my line -- like, grandma old -- and spent the entire time I was ringing her up informing me that Obama is in cahoots with the devil but, and I quote, she’s not worried because the rapture is coming.”

“Wow, that is some prime USDA choice crazy,” Dave says as you say, “Jesus fuck, I hate that shit.”

John does his dumb, faux innocent giggle. “I know, right? And I had to smile the entire time. It was so hard not to laugh! It beats that time that one guy, the one with the megaphone? Who dodged security for like twenty minutes while loudly preaching about Jesus.” John nods sagely, “Good times.”

“I still say that sounds like something Kankri would do,” Dave says, finally leaving his computer chair to lean against the wall separating the kitchen from the rest of the living space like a douche. He places one hand over his heart and his eyes go half lidded; “I will restore the working man to his rightful glory! I will dismantle this oppressive establishment board by board!”

No mocking imitation of your stuck up windbag brother should be sexy. The condescending squint Kankri does is downright delectable on Dave, absurd reference and all. What a fucking asshole.

John sputters sweetly into giggles at Dave’s imitation. Again, what a fucking asshole.

(The biggest asshole is you, because you love them both.)

===>

The next time you enter the kitchen, one of Dave’s shitty Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff comics is on the fridge. It has Obama in cahoots with the devil, plus some dinosaurs for good measure.

===>

Nepeta is the first to arrive, dropped off early by their uptight not-boyfriend. They’re upbeat as usual, scarred lips pulled into a wide grin.

“Mister Purrmusk, hi!” they greets, bouncing on the balls of their feet. You give them as dramatic of a sweeping bow as you can manage in your narrow entryway.

“The mighty Akwete Purrmusk invites the huntress into his humble abode,” you say seriously. Nepeta snorts a laugh.

John calls from the couch, “You guys are so weird.”

“Excuse you, John,” you correct haughtily, “The term is ‘furry trash’.”

Nepeta scoots into your apartment, punching you in the shoulder as they pass. They says to John, “You’re just jealous that your roleplay characters are never as fully developed.”

You arrive in the living room just in time to see John make a face. 

“I don’t think ‘sexy cat boy’ is a fully fleshed out personality archetype.”

“Fuck you, it so is!”

Nepeta laughs, doubling over with the force of their giggles. “Sorry Dave,” they says, patting your arm, “Akwete is furry fun, but he’s also tropey as heck.”

You mock pout, sticking your lower lip out as far as it will go. This gets another round of giggles out of Nepeta and an eyeroll from John.

There’s still almost a half hour until you’re set to start tonight’s session, which will inevitably be delayed at least another half hour after that while Tavros attempts to get everyone settled. You get back to working on your latest commission.

Nepeta watches you draw over your shoulder at 200% zoom for a few minutes before they ask about it. You zoom out. They makes an intrigued noise which, apparently, catches John’s attention because he goes, “Gross! I don’t want to see your weird furry porn, Dave!”

“Hey man, I make a hundred-fifty drawing this shit.” You look over your shoulder, past a giggling Nepeta, to look at your best bro. He’s covered his eyes with his hands, the baby. It’s not even that hardcore.

“I still don’t want to see it!” He’s gone pink in the face. It’s fucking adorbs. You zoom back in.

“There, all zoomed in again, you pussy.”

Nepeta snerks. John uncovers his eyes.

“Dude!”

It’s zoomed back in all right. It just happens to be zoomed in right over the giant dog dong.

“Oh my god you are such an asshole.”

You smirk, smug with victory, and bring up your wip folder to show Nepeta some of the other things you’ve been working on.

Karkat comes home laden with bags of snacks just before you’re set to start. He’s just starting to pull things out of the bags when Terezi’s pants shittingly loud cop knock rings through the apartment. Karkat stomps over to let her and Tavros in.

“Do I smell shame and imminent defeat?” Terezi crows before Karkat even has a chance to close the door after her.

“Naw,” you reply, “Just the miasma of John’s sexual repression.”

“Just because I don’t want to see dog boners does not mean I’m sexually repressed!”

Terezi cackles while Karkat covers his eyes, as if to say, “Why do I put up with these fucking idiots”. Tavros shakes his head with a grin at your antics.

“Are you guys ready to, uh, kick some ass tonight?” he asks, sounding way too innocent for the impending gore of tonight's session.

John pumps his fist and says, “Fuck yeah!” while Nepeta hisses out a pleased, “Yesss.”

“I am always prepared to lay out an ass whooping to the unlawful,” Terezi says, posing like some blind vigilante.

You save your current wip and close out of Sai, migrating over to the dining room table. Somehow, Tavros manages to get everyone focused pretty quickly, the promise of an intense session too alluring to put off.

“You arrive in the city you had heard about,” Tav starts, “The rumours were right; one of the city’s most influential families has gone missing…”

There’s a crypt full of undead. You slaughter zombies by the dozen. Karkat gets his soul sucked out of his body. It’s _awesome_.

===>

You’ve been in bed for a long time, fucking around on your phone instead of trying to sleep. You’re just sharing a dumb video on facebook when you hear a soft gasp. You freeze. Is he..?

The couch springs groan as Dave shifts position. He sucks in a deep breath, loud enough for you to be able to hear it all the way in your room. One might even go so far as to call it a gasp. Then he sighs a drawn out “ah” sound.

Yep, he so is. Your face burns red. Would it be weird for you to get up and close your door? You probably should, give Dave privacy and all that but… you’re frozen stiff, in more ways than one. 

Learning that Dave is surprisingly vocal while jerking off is not something you had wanted to know. Here you are though, listening to him gasp and groan. He sounds really into it. You can almost imagine how his thighs would tremble with exertion as he arches his body into his grip.

… Shit. Fuck. You press the heels of your palms against your eyes. Thinking about Dave jerking off is weird, you tell your brain. It’s off limits.

And then the wet fapping noises start. You can’t help but think of how Dave is definitely smearing pre come down his dick, his fingers sticky with it. He’s gasping louder now too. It’s almost like he’s daring you to listen in on him. You curl your toes in your sheets and pointedly don’t touch yourself.

It’s so hard (hah) not to. You’re pulsing with need and Dave sounds so good. You’ve never been in a situation where noisy sex was an option and boy were you missing out. Dave is going “ah, ah” with every breath, his hand gliding over his dick faster and faster.

You’re about two seconds away from imploding. You have to bite your lip to keep from groaning in embarrassment because all you can think of is going out there and... helping? You have never wanted to jerk off your best friend more.

That is, until he moans, “Fuck,” the curse drawn out like taffy. There’s another “ah!” this time sharper and needier and you just know he came. You whimper.

Why are your best friends so hot?

You last all of two minutes before your hand dives under the waistband of your boxers of its own violation. You know. You counted the ticks of your clock to try and distract yourself. Needless to say, it didn’t work. You give yourself a rough squeeze, telling yourself you’re not actually going to jerk off, not with Dave’s moans so fresh in your mind. You’re just… oversensitive and if you don’t do something, all your squirming is going to set you off.

You can feel your pulse through your dick. It’s racing like you just ran a marathon.

You think about your schedule for tomorrow. You work the mid shift and you’ll probably end up cashiering most of the day. The weekends are always the busiest. You’re going to have to dig through your laundry basket to find clean clothes for the day. Your dad would have left you a dadly reminder not to fold your laundry like three days ago.

You wonder if Dave screams when he’s fucked.

Shit. You did not mean to think of Dave face down in a bed with a dick up his ass. You know he’s bi and all but whether or not he’s bottomed is none of your business. That doesn’t stop your dick from jumping with interest though.

You are so screwed. Your boner hasn’t faded in the slightest. You’re just as rock hard as you were when Dave was actively jerking off.

Has it been long enough that you dare to take care of yourself? You know you always pass out quickly when freshly sated. If Dave’s the same you could probably get away with it. Even if he’s not, you’re nowhere near as noisy as he is, so you’re probably safe. You scoot your boxers down.

The first stroke of your hand down your length is heaven after the teasing show Dave unintentionally gave you. You go slow to avoid any incriminating noises, your bottom lip caught between your teeth. You breathe out carefully. You definitely don’t think about the noises Dave made with every breath.

(That’s a lie. You can’t _not_ think of them. You are a shitty friend.)

You focus on the feel of your fingers sliding up and down your cock. They catch on the skin at the base of your dick, your pre come not quite enough lubrication, which is funny because you’ve got a puddle of it in your pubes. You twist at the waist to fumble at your nightstand. Somewhere in the clutter at the side of your bed there’s a bottle of lube. Your fingers find it and you whisper a small sound of triumph. Surely Dave is asleep by now.

The addition of lube makes your jerking off so much smoother, your hand gliding across your dick like it was made for it. You chance the tiniest sigh of pleasure. There’s no response from the living room. Dave is totally asleep now.

(He probably looks adorable, all sexed out and stuff.)

You pick up the pace and the increase in stimulation pulls you closer to the edge. You try to think of anything but the way Dave moans. You mostly succeed; your grip is tight and the pleasure you’re giving yourself is distracting all on its own.

“Fuck,” you hiss. Your brain echos you with the way Dave moaned the same curse and you’re gone.

You clean up the mess you left on your belly with some handy dandy tissues, only feeling a little guilty.

===>

The guilt eats at you the next morning instead. You keep waiting for Dave to say something about hearing you last night but he never does. You go to work with your stomach feeling like a lead weight in your gut.

**=== >**

ectoBiologist  
jade!  
how’s socal?

gardenGnostic  
its good!!  
im doing so much science :DD

ectoBiologist  
awesome

gardenGnostic  
hows the new apartment? 

ectoBiologist  
it’s good

gardenGnostic  
hahaha

ectoBiologist  
living with dave and karkat is really easy.  
it is strange living somewhere other than the house i grew up in though.  
but like, not in a bad way or anything.

gardenGnostic  
thats good!

ectoBiologist  
yep.

gardenGnostic  
hows everybody at target?

ectoBiologist  
lol, good i guess?  
we’ve gotten a couple of new people.  
dave so has a crush on one of them.  
i can’t blame him though. she’s really pretty.  
also, i think vriska’s trying to flirt with me?

gardenGnostic  
oh no?

ectoBiologist  
i don’t mind. she’s pretty too.  
it’s really funny though since she’s really.... kind of bad at it, lol.  
if she is flirting, i mean.  
mostly she’s just teasing me more.

gardenGnostic  
wait which one is vriska again?

ectoBiologist  
the tall skinny one who wears lots of blue lipstick

gardenGnostic  
oooooooh  
didnt she use to date tavros?? :\

ectoBiologist  
yeah, in like junior high.  
she was kind of a bitch to him though so i guess i’m a little unsure how to feel if she really is flirting with me.  
also bros before hoes hahahah.

gardenGnostic  
:\

ectoBiologist  
i don’t know if i want to date anyone anyway so i guess it doesn’t really matter all that much?  
since, you know…

gardenGnostic  
since youre still fucked up from your dad dying?

ectoBiologist  
ahaha yeah.  
way to be blunt, jade.

gardenGnostic  
it’s what i do best C:  
not jumping into a relationship after something so major is probably a good idea though  
youre so mature baby cousin C:

ectoBiologist  
:B

**=== >**

turntechGodhead  
guess who got that hot cashiers handle  
thats right  
me motherfuckers  
i am smoother than peanut butter

ectoBiologist  
lol, how?

carcinoGeneticist  
YOU MEAN FULL OF SHIT THAT GETS STUCK IN YOUR TEETH?

turntechGodhead  
hahaha fuck you  
all i had to do was mention mario kart and she was all over me  
like OH SHIT what version  
to which i was like bitch do i look like the kind of guy who has anything less than all the greatest ones  
the answer is no  
no i am not

ectoBiologist  
only because i still have my n64 and my gamecube you next gen loser :B

turntechGodhead  
btw shes going to come over and play it with us  
someone invite tz so its not a total sausage fest

ectoBiologist  
bluh do we have to?

turntechGodhead  
yeah bro terezi is my main man

carcinoGeneticist  
THAN WHY DON’T YOU INVITE HER?

turntechGodhead  
really man  
im trying real hard not to woo all the ladies here  
i am a true friend trying to share and shit

ectoBiologist  
terezi is the LAST person i want to date, thanks.

carcinoGeneticist  
DO YOU NOT REMEMBER NINTH GRADE?

turntechGodhead  
duh i was

ectoBiologist  
ugh don’t remind me.

turntechGodhead  
you know  
half a continent away

carcinoGeneticist  
SAYING IT WAS BAD IS THE UNDERSTATEMENT OF THE CENTURY. WE’RE ONLY FRIENDS NOW BECAUSE I PULLED MY HEAD FROM THE GIANT GAPING CHASM THAT IS MY ASS SENIOR YEAR.

turntechGodhead  
i thank you for that  
idk what id do with myself without her crazy lawyer wannabe self

carcinoGeneticist  
PROBABLY BE HALF AS OBNOXIOUS.

turntechGodhead  
lies

===>

Dave has gone to pick up Terezi and Karkat’s at work, leaving you alone with Aradia. She dresses differently outside of work -- all drapey black layers with lots of lace. She’s even traded out her usual bright Target red lipstick for a darker, more sultry shade. In short, she looks gorgeous. Too gorgeous to just be playing dumb video games with you and Dave (and Terezi). You’ve already got a lot on your plate with Vriska though. Vriska is way persistent.

It’d be a little awkward just sitting here but Dave didn’t put any of his weird dead shit away and Aradia is happily inspecting it all.

“So which one of you is the vulture?” she asks goodnaturedly, like she’s asking where your curtains came from or something (not that you actually have curtains).

You, with all your great conversational skills, go, “Huh?”

“Which one of you collects the dead specimens?” she clarifies. She makes it sound so much less weird than Dave, who calls it collectively his dead shit.

“Oh, um, Dave. It’s really weird…”

“Totally.” She grins wide. “He’s got some really neat things though. I’m so jealous of the diaphonized frog.”

“The colourful one?”

 

“Yup!”

“That one is pretty cool. Do you collect this sort of stuff too?”

She gets the same sort of dreamy look Dave does when he talks about his dead shit. “Yeah. Just bones and fossils though. Wet specimens are cool but they’re much harder to do.”

“Oh.”

“What about you? Do you collect anything strange and unusual?”

“Well, uh.” You don’t think you do actually collect anything at all, let alone something as strange as Dave and his dead shit. “I guess I’ve got a lot of sheet music?”

“What do you play?” Aradia seems much better at the whole small talk thing than you, especially since you’re distracted because hot girl alone with you in your living room.

“The piano.”

“Neat. I played alto sax in school.”

You grin; “I was in my school’s jazz band.”

“Same!”

You offer your fist for a bunp. Aradia happily obliges.

Just then, Terezi bursts through your front door. You wince as the door bounces off the wall behind her, almost hitting Dave on his way in, hands full of grocery bags. He deftly hip checks it out of the way and back into the wall. You’re never getting your security deposit back.

“Who’s ready to get wrecked?” Terezi crows. You roll your eyes.

===>

You get wrecked. Terezi makes up for being mostly blind by sitting right in front of the TV and you swear she sticks her head in front of your square of the screen completely on purpose. She doesn’t do any better than you though. It’s Dave who kicks ass, consistently getting first place while Aradia comes in behind him in second or third. You and Terezi come in the bottom three every race. It’s bullshit.

On the bright side, Dave is tipsy and over affectionate, which is always funny. Eventually, Dave gets to the point where he stops being good at Mario Kart, Toadette drifting off the edges of the course. Every time Dave goes, “Whoops, shit,” and over-corrects. It’s really silly. You can see Aradia’s shoulders shake with silent giggles every time he does it.

There are a grand total of seven beer bottles on your coffee table (well, five cider bottles and two beer bottles but same diff). Most of them are Dave’s. He wobbles when he stands up between cups to get another one. You snort and go to drag him back down onto the couch by the back of his pants. He squawks as his jeans slide down over his narrow ass and flails a little bit going down. You narrowly avoid getting an elbow to the face but end up with a lap full of Dave instead.

“Jesus, Egbert, I’m not that kind of girl!” he protests, wiggling his way off your lap. He ends up sliding to the floor instead. 

“Wow, so graceful, Dave,” you say, rolling your eyes.

“Much drunk, very, I dunno, floor,” he says into the carpet. Aradia is fucking dying on the other end of the couch.

You’ve seen definitely seen Dave drunker but his bad meme stage of tipsy is probably your favourite, followed by his deadweight cuddling drunk. (You’re a very physically affectionate guy! Dave is… not so much usually so it’s a nice change.)

“Wow, eloquent,” Terezi teases.

Dave just aims a middle finger in her general direction.

“What’s that, Dave?” she says innocently, “I can’t tell since I’m, you know, blind!”

“You’re a dick,” Dave tells her. She cackles.

“I’m so sorry for them,” you tell Aradia. She smiles wide and bright, looking infinitely amused. 

“You know what,” Dave says, still on the floor, “This party needs shitty tacos.”

“You are way too drunk to get tacos,” Terezi says, still laughing.

“Why would I get tacos when I could make Karkat do it?”

You check your watch. It is indeed around the time Karkat’s off work. Dave pulls his phone out, presumably to text him. He still hasn’t moved from his position face down on the floor. You kick him a little and ask, “Dude what are you still doing down there?”

“Munching carpet, what does it look like?”

Terezi positively shrieks with laughter while Aradia chokes on an unfortunately timed sip of cider.

“Wow, dude,” you say slowly, “Wow.”

“Oh sweet, Karkat says he’ll get tacos. What a bro. What does everybody want?” Dave relays your orders to Karkat then drags himself back onto the couch. “Okay, let’s do this.”

He picks the cup with Rainbow Road. All four of you are beat by the computer because Dave keeps falling and the rest of you are too busy laughing at him to do much better yourselves. Karkat walks in on Dave curled over your lap, shoulders hitching with laughter, and says, “Apparently, I’m driving Terezi home because you are fucking blitzed.”

Dave sporfles, “Oops,” and doesn’t look a bit guilty.

“I should probably head home soon too,” Aradia says, “But thanks for inviting me!”

“No problem, bro, mi casa es tu casa, anytime.”

The way she smiles at him is way too fond for casual acquaintances. You and Karkat share a Look and you’re pretty sure Terezi rolls her eyes.

“But first!” Dave exclaims, “Tacos.”

**Author's Note:**

> new year new fic o3o im taking a chance here and starting to post without much of a buffer and a full time job eating up a lot of my time, so updates are probs not going to be very fast or consistent, but they'll happen. check out this fic's tag on my tumblr at http://sumomomochi.tumblr.com/tagged/these%20fucking%20assholes for current information


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